Sept 12, 2010

Rough weekend (kinda). Yesterday was fairly quiet being 9/11 and all that. I still have flashes of paranoia. I don't have time for it as much because I stay SO busy. She has been a POSITIVE influence in my life and I am so thankful for her. She is worth the things that I am going through. I only hope that I can be the man that she wants to be with forever. My family seems to like her, that is a PLUS big time...LOL. We are a very accepting clan, until you burn us anyway, you get ONE opportunity though.

HEALTH

I really do9n't know if this medication is working. I've had an uneventful day, but I haven't left the house so I haven't had the chance to get fatigued. Here is what I know thus far: I must stay hydrated, I must get adequate rest and I must eat healthy. The only problem with that is it is expensive as all get out. Oh well, time for bed. Blog with ya later.


Ciao

Wow it has been some months since I posted. I am well as I can be, I suppose, just tired as all hell. I stay that way though. Still not sleeping an entire night but I sleep a lot better that she is here in my life. I have since moved into my own place and I am doing my best to make a normal life for her and me. I am ready to leave Michigan in the worst way, I want to either go to Georgia, Texas, Arizona, or SoCal. It looks like Georgia though. I just want this divorce over and DONE with. I am starting to hate her. This is NOT good.

FEELINGS:
Up and down more so than usual. I am tired of questioning and being questioned, tired of double standards. Tired of inconsistency, tired of inconsideration. Tired just tired of the bullshit.

HEALTH:
Reasonable. Had an MRI last week. I don't even know the results yet. I guess I can wait. I am taking this medication pretty consistently though. It really isn't a problem so it's cool. I'm just hoping that this stuff works.

Welp folks, I'm sleepy tired and irritable.

Ciao

Updates

It has been some time since I posted to this literary masterpiece (yeah right). Anyway, I am away for the weekend (again) staying at the same place as last time. I am handling this a lot better because I realized that my life will continue to be blessed because I am doing the right thing. It just tells me how I am really thought of when my "wife" does not want to get help any longer, while I am aggressively working to get through these issues. Will I ever be "normal" again? God only knows. It seems that the older I get, the closer I get to jumping "off the ledge." I appreciate my "newest" friend for helping me out. Encouragement is always there, and even though there is an attraction, it is not acted on. She is in New York and I am here in Michigan so no dice. Its cool though, the last thing I need is a physical relationship to cloud my thinking.

Updates

It has been some time since I posted to this literary masterpiece (yeah right). Anyway, I am away for the weekend (again) staying at the same place as last time. I am handling this a lot better because I realized that my life will continue to be blessed because I am doing the right thing. It just tells me how I am really thought of when my "wife" does not want to get help any longer, while I am aggressively working to get through these issues. Will I ever be "normal" again? God only knows. It seems that the older I get, the closer I get to jumping "off the ledge." I appreciate my "newest" friend for helping me out. Encouragement is always there, and even though

14 May 2010

Did not have a good day today. I lashed out at Michelle today. This is just pushing her further away. I told her that I have accepted her decision, but it still hurts, no question. Group was okay this morning (Thursday). I met a guy today who was pretty cool. It's nice to be in a room full of people who are going through the same things as you. The tripped out part about it is that a lot of these guys are Vietnam veterans. These guys have been living with PTSD for 40 years! I have been dealing with it for approximately 6 years. I almost feel like I shouldn't say anything to them...LOL!

Well I am now going back to the way I handled my first (marital) breakup. Workout time! The difference this time is I have to work out my mind as well. That is more important than my physical being. I can get that in order quickly and I am enjoying the changes that I have made. I love eating cleanly. It makes me feel good to know that I am living better. Oh well. This is a short blog entry. See you later.

9 May 2010

Well it's almost official. My wife has told me that there are things that she HATES about me. However, I have not changed a bit. So she has grown to hate me. I derive this because she wont tell me that she loves me anymore, she only kissed me today because we were at church and in front of people. She almost refuses to stay at home on the weekend. I really don't like the message this sends the children. It is saying to them, "if you're not happy, then just leave (or run away)." She usually accuses me of walking out during a conversation in which we are disagreeing. Sometimes I do, most times I don't. Now my son is looking at me funny, like I did something to his mother. I want to tell them what is going on, but if I do, I will get my head chopped off.(At least that's what I believe).

Mother's day was cool. I bought my mom some perfume and got her a card, bought my mother in law some jewelry and a card. At dinner today, I realized that I do not like my nephew's in laws. So what I did was, instead of let my father pick up the bill, I paid for him, my mother, and myself. That made everyone else pay for themselves. I am tired of people glad handing my dad. At least now they will think twice before coming like that.

So what am I supposed to do now? Sex is just about out of the question, so now I have to be forced into temporary celibacy, while she attempts to get a job. Once that happens then we will probably get a divorce. Do I want one? Not really, but I am beginning to accept that she is not willing to work it out. All of this, 6 months after she forced me to come back and try to work things out. I am kind of upset, because I would have been further along in my endeavors, however, she is worth trying again, as many times as need be. She is a phenomenal woman and I would be stupid to want her out of my life. I just have to have her as my wife. I don't think I could live with just being her friend...

May 8, 2010 (210)

"We all make mistakes in life and for you to bring up a persons mistakes all the time when they have already acknowledged them and moved on means you want to keep that person locked in the prison of the past. Let me see the nail prints in your hands and the scars on your back and then I will know you have no past mistakes...." -Melvin Glenn Robinson


Cleansing the soul does one good or does it? I poured out my feelings and got accused of "tripping." Let's see, I am suffering from a condition that I did not ask to have and had no idea I would get. I cannot help myself from thinking intrusive thoughts and yet I am accused of tripping. Completely unfair. Have I done wrong in the past? YES. I cannot dispute or deny any accusation. However, I can say that I have changed my ways. I am not just another person off the street. I am her husband. I take care of our family and I have NEVER stopped doing that. This OMAR track is that DEAL (tangent). Instead of affording the opportunity to show and prove, I am treated like a criminal. I gave another chance, yet I cannot be afforded the same opportunity, so I ask, what is fair about this? I guess I don't get the same chances because I am perfect (sarcasm). I feel like this it is all or nothing. I am afflicted with a physical illness as well as a psychological illness. I am double dipping, not to my enjoyment though.

My feeling is that I can beat this physical illness (cerebral ataxia) I can do this via stem cell therapy which is available in China but that is another story for another blog entry. I have begun eating a much healthier diet and eliminating the body fat so that my body will be prime for any therapy that might be introduced in the mean time. I estimate about 3 weeks for me to be back to where I should be.

Back to the ailment, I feel alone because I cannot do the things that I used to do. Sometimes I have perfect balance and most times I do not. My kids wanted to laugh at first, but now they realize daddy is going through something.

Fact of the matter is....I need help.

7 May 2010

Well I had the orientation class today. This was an interesting experience, I mean to be in a room with approximately 15 -17 other people who are going through the same issues, it was a trip. So here I am at 2:20 a.m. wondering, "what now?" I am kind of at an impasse. Let's take a quick inventory, my wife doesn't want to be with me for two main reasons, because of my old philandering ways and because I don't like to go out and her primary love language is "quality time." That almost seems to be ridiculous. She feels that we are incompatible. Well I am tired of fighting, it seems as though she was the only trying and now I am the only one who wants it. Funny how this works. I guess we just kept "pissing in the pool."

Mothers day is coming up, and I just do not want to deal with it. I mean it really isn't any problem with it, I just want to go away for the weekend. However, I have committed to dinner, so we shall see if I have another anxiety attack, I hate this. If I had not been so patriotic and felt I was doing my duty, I don't think I would be in this situation.

I often imagine what the world would be like without my military experience. I mean, did my being there, really make some sort of difference? I don't think so. So after rationalizing this out (which I try to do, sometimes unsuccessfully I might add) I guess it doesn't matter, what's done is done. Do I care? yes. What can I do though? Not much it seems. So I just try to grin and bear it. It seems like I am alone. My wife told me she still wants to do for me and take care of me because of the onset of the symptoms (spinal ataxia) I feel that my choices are few, but the bottom line is: if the U.S. does not approve stem cell therapy soon, I am going to have to go to China. This is going to cost a whole lot of money. I don't care though, whatever it takes. I want to be active and able to do for myself.

I think back on how I used to be. Active and athletic, it felt good to be on the baseball field with the boys, playing and running around and just having fun. I guess I should start training again. I have changed my diet in hopes that it will assist in my quest to beat this illness. I guess what I should find out is if and what food and or vitamin assists in cerebellum connectivity.

So let's review: my wife no longer wants to be with me, and if she had steady employment, she would have been left. (2) PTSD has me up every night typing into a blog attempting to make sense of life in and of itself (3) I am undergoing some serious changes in the way I live as to combat genetics. Seems like I am fighting an uphill battle. Cool, I am up for it (pun intended).

stardate 05042010

What a night (not in a good way). Actually slept for three and a half hours. Woke up at 2am. tried to go back to sleep, but had an anxiety attack. After I talked myself off of the proverbial ledge, I went in the family room and turned on ESPN. I watched for about 2 hours and decided to try sleeping again. No good. I tried to touch her and she shoved me away which sent me into another anxiety attack. I don't think she has any idea that I have them. How could she? I don't tell her or anyone else about them (except my therapist(s)).

I think it is a real shame when people don't see that they need help as well as you. Then when you go to get yourself together, they wont. Instead of you growing together, there is always this lopsided existence going on. Well it is becomming more and more clear to me, I have to get my mind in order or someone is going to really get hurt, even me. I am not invincible, and I don't claim to be. However, these anxiety attacks are getting ridiculous and it is all I can do to just keep my mind in the realm of what most people call sanity.

Thoughts

I sit and think about the young man who gave his life in the line of duty here in Detroit. People are commenting about him being a "GOD fearing man" and "he is quick to quote a scripture as some would crack a joke." My heart goes out to his family as they mourn his passing.

I heard a comment about making the ultimate sacrifice in the line of duty. As an 18 year veteran of the United States Air Force I thought deeply about that statement. Now while it is obvious that I personally have not made the ultimate sacrifice, I feel compelled to share with you the sacrifice that I have made an let me tell you, I did not willingly make these sacrifices.

First, I have an extremely quick temper. However, I just don't get mad, I get downright upset, like, check the sightlines for the hit and check the egress exits.

Second, I would relax if I could, but sleep is a luxury that I just cannot seem to afford anymore.

Third, I do NOT like crowds of unknown people. If I am amongst family and trustworthy friends, I can feel a little bit comfortable. If not, I just remove myself from the situation.

Fourth, the fourth of July is NOT the best time in the world for me. As a matter of fact, I have grown to detest fireworks. Why? you ask. Check out youtube. Search: "Kirkuk, Iraq, bombdump explosion" multiply that times 6 hours, and you will kind of see my point.

Fifth, when I do get to sleep the dreams are either weird or just plain messed up. At any rate, I wake up quickly.

Sixth, my manner of thinking is now skewed. In some way or another, everyone is out to get me. In the words of George W. Bush, " either you are with us, or against us." This is basically how I feel all of the time, if you are not on board, then you are an enemy combatant.

Seventh, which goes back to number three. If I know that I have to go around a crowd of people, sometimes I get an anxiety attack, but instead of anxiousness, I get angry.

Now couple this with borderline depression and you have some cocktail now don't you?

The symptoms I have just described are from post traumatic stress disorder, better known as PTSD. I will blog my feelings and what is going on as a sort of therapy.

Correcting What's Wrong...

I was sitting at home watching television (which I do not do much) when the thought struck me, "When did we go wrong?" I mean really, "What Chilli Wants," " Flavor of Love," "Bad Girls Club," the list is ridiculously long, and almost hypnotic. Really y'all, have we lost it THAT much? Are we so not enthused by our own lives to the extent that we would rather see people who have more zeroes in their net worth than us, yet have the same problems that we do, just on a larger level? I mean I have enough issues with raising my four teenagers, without having to see how "supernanny" helped a couple who did not have the sense enough to go to Proverbs 23:13 to see how to handle their children. There is so many theories about children that it is getting harder to see who is running the asylum, the warden or the inmates. Now those of you who know me, know that I am a staunch Christian, while I may not follow it to the letter, I believe in it. Furthermore, when I have been strict in my beliefs, my beliefs have never been wrong. However, this was not the topic, so let's get back on task.

So what do we do? How do we take our minds back? It is really quite simple. First, STOP WATCHING THESE STUPID TV SHOWS! I mean really, Brandy and Ray J? These are two of the most insignificant "stars" out there. Now please don't think that I think that the tv that I watch is the greatest, I am a product of the environment that I was involved in for 17 years. I watch shows like "24" and "The Unit" and the Military channel. Am I suggesting these as alternatives? Of course not. That would be foolish, however, may I suggest, find your background and watch programs that you know something about, whether fiction or non fiction.

Second, read a book. It is better for the creative juices and to stimulate the imagination if you read a book. Even if the subjects are fiction, your mind creates the pictures to accompany the words that you read. Encourage your children to do so. Watch their grades improve and their self esteem.

Third, start writing. Since we are in an electronic age, craft out emails, start blogs etc. or even, God forbid, write someone a letter. A letter? Oh my gosh! Not that! (just kidding) We must keep the interpersonal skills that we have learned at some point because if we don't we will surely lose them. I saw the movie the "Book of Eli" this week. There was a line in it where the young lady asked Eli,"what was the world like before the war?" Eli responded," people had more than they needed." Excess. Too much television. 400 channels with HD. Now they are in the process of 3D television (with the glasses). I am just saying, be careful and let's not forget. Don't forget what you were taught, if you weren't taught it, get with someone who has some more experience, don't be afraid to be taught. You might actually learn something and like what you learn.

Be blessed!

Tired

This is coming straight off of the top:

I am tired,

tired of the uselessness that society heaps on my shoulders,

tired of the programming, both mental and subliminal,

tired of the thought sold to me, get an education, so you can get a job,

tired of having student loan bills and no income to pay them.

I am tired of the having the sense to not waste all of my cash

while some idiot wins the lottery and is broke within 5 years

I am tired of bill collectors always calling on my phone

yet I keep giving them the number, when I apply for student loans