Wow it has been some months since I posted. I am well as I can be, I suppose, just tired as all hell. I stay that way though. Still not sleeping an entire night but I sleep a lot better that she is here in my life. I have since moved into my own place and I am doing my best to make a normal life for her and me. I am ready to leave Michigan in the worst way, I want to either go to Georgia, Texas, Arizona, or SoCal. It looks like Georgia though. I just want this divorce over and DONE with. I am starting to hate her. This is NOT good.
FEELINGS:
Up and down more so than usual. I am tired of questioning and being questioned, tired of double standards. Tired of inconsistency, tired of inconsideration. Tired just tired of the bullshit.
HEALTH:
Reasonable. Had an MRI last week. I don't even know the results yet. I guess I can wait. I am taking this medication pretty consistently though. It really isn't a problem so it's cool. I'm just hoping that this stuff works.
Welp folks, I'm sleepy tired and irritable.
Ciao
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Updates
It has been some time since I posted to this literary masterpiece (yeah right). Anyway, I am away for the weekend (again) staying at the same place as last time. I am handling this a lot better because I realized that my life will continue to be blessed because I am doing the right thing. It just tells me how I am really thought of when my "wife" does not want to get help any longer, while I am aggressively working to get through these issues. Will I ever be "normal" again? God only knows. It seems that the older I get, the closer I get to jumping "off the ledge." I appreciate my "newest" friend for helping me out. Encouragement is always there, and even though there is an attraction, it is not acted on. She is in New York and I am here in Michigan so no dice. Its cool though, the last thing I need is a physical relationship to cloud my thinking.
Updates
It has been some time since I posted to this literary masterpiece (yeah right). Anyway, I am away for the weekend (again) staying at the same place as last time. I am handling this a lot better because I realized that my life will continue to be blessed because I am doing the right thing. It just tells me how I am really thought of when my "wife" does not want to get help any longer, while I am aggressively working to get through these issues. Will I ever be "normal" again? God only knows. It seems that the older I get, the closer I get to jumping "off the ledge." I appreciate my "newest" friend for helping me out. Encouragement is always there, and even though
Thursday, May 13, 2010
14 May 2010
Did not have a good day today. I lashed out at Michelle today. This is just pushing her further away. I told her that I have accepted her decision, but it still hurts, no question. Group was okay this morning (Thursday). I met a guy today who was pretty cool. It's nice to be in a room full of people who are going through the same things as you. The tripped out part about it is that a lot of these guys are Vietnam veterans. These guys have been living with PTSD for 40 years! I have been dealing with it for approximately 6 years. I almost feel like I shouldn't say anything to them...LOL!
Well I am now going back to the way I handled my first (marital) breakup. Workout time! The difference this time is I have to work out my mind as well. That is more important than my physical being. I can get that in order quickly and I am enjoying the changes that I have made. I love eating cleanly. It makes me feel good to know that I am living better. Oh well. This is a short blog entry. See you later.
Well I am now going back to the way I handled my first (marital) breakup. Workout time! The difference this time is I have to work out my mind as well. That is more important than my physical being. I can get that in order quickly and I am enjoying the changes that I have made. I love eating cleanly. It makes me feel good to know that I am living better. Oh well. This is a short blog entry. See you later.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
9 May 2010
Well it's almost official. My wife has told me that there are things that she HATES about me. However, I have not changed a bit. So she has grown to hate me. I derive this because she wont tell me that she loves me anymore, she only kissed me today because we were at church and in front of people. She almost refuses to stay at home on the weekend. I really don't like the message this sends the children. It is saying to them, "if you're not happy, then just leave (or run away)." She usually accuses me of walking out during a conversation in which we are disagreeing. Sometimes I do, most times I don't. Now my son is looking at me funny, like I did something to his mother. I want to tell them what is going on, but if I do, I will get my head chopped off.(At least that's what I believe).
Mother's day was cool. I bought my mom some perfume and got her a card, bought my mother in law some jewelry and a card. At dinner today, I realized that I do not like my nephew's in laws. So what I did was, instead of let my father pick up the bill, I paid for him, my mother, and myself. That made everyone else pay for themselves. I am tired of people glad handing my dad. At least now they will think twice before coming like that.
So what am I supposed to do now? Sex is just about out of the question, so now I have to be forced into temporary celibacy, while she attempts to get a job. Once that happens then we will probably get a divorce. Do I want one? Not really, but I am beginning to accept that she is not willing to work it out. All of this, 6 months after she forced me to come back and try to work things out. I am kind of upset, because I would have been further along in my endeavors, however, she is worth trying again, as many times as need be. She is a phenomenal woman and I would be stupid to want her out of my life. I just have to have her as my wife. I don't think I could live with just being her friend...
Mother's day was cool. I bought my mom some perfume and got her a card, bought my mother in law some jewelry and a card. At dinner today, I realized that I do not like my nephew's in laws. So what I did was, instead of let my father pick up the bill, I paid for him, my mother, and myself. That made everyone else pay for themselves. I am tired of people glad handing my dad. At least now they will think twice before coming like that.
So what am I supposed to do now? Sex is just about out of the question, so now I have to be forced into temporary celibacy, while she attempts to get a job. Once that happens then we will probably get a divorce. Do I want one? Not really, but I am beginning to accept that she is not willing to work it out. All of this, 6 months after she forced me to come back and try to work things out. I am kind of upset, because I would have been further along in my endeavors, however, she is worth trying again, as many times as need be. She is a phenomenal woman and I would be stupid to want her out of my life. I just have to have her as my wife. I don't think I could live with just being her friend...
Saturday, May 8, 2010
May 8, 2010 (210)
"We all make mistakes in life and for you to bring up a persons mistakes all the time when they have already acknowledged them and moved on means you want to keep that person locked in the prison of the past. Let me see the nail prints in your hands and the scars on your back and then I will know you have no past mistakes...." -Melvin Glenn Robinson
Cleansing the soul does one good or does it? I poured out my feelings and got accused of "tripping." Let's see, I am suffering from a condition that I did not ask to have and had no idea I would get. I cannot help myself from thinking intrusive thoughts and yet I am accused of tripping. Completely unfair. Have I done wrong in the past? YES. I cannot dispute or deny any accusation. However, I can say that I have changed my ways. I am not just another person off the street. I am her husband. I take care of our family and I have NEVER stopped doing that. This OMAR track is that DEAL (tangent). Instead of affording the opportunity to show and prove, I am treated like a criminal. I gave another chance, yet I cannot be afforded the same opportunity, so I ask, what is fair about this? I guess I don't get the same chances because I am perfect (sarcasm). I feel like this it is all or nothing. I am afflicted with a physical illness as well as a psychological illness. I am double dipping, not to my enjoyment though.
My feeling is that I can beat this physical illness (cerebral ataxia) I can do this via stem cell therapy which is available in China but that is another story for another blog entry. I have begun eating a much healthier diet and eliminating the body fat so that my body will be prime for any therapy that might be introduced in the mean time. I estimate about 3 weeks for me to be back to where I should be.
Back to the ailment, I feel alone because I cannot do the things that I used to do. Sometimes I have perfect balance and most times I do not. My kids wanted to laugh at first, but now they realize daddy is going through something.
Fact of the matter is....I need help.
Cleansing the soul does one good or does it? I poured out my feelings and got accused of "tripping." Let's see, I am suffering from a condition that I did not ask to have and had no idea I would get. I cannot help myself from thinking intrusive thoughts and yet I am accused of tripping. Completely unfair. Have I done wrong in the past? YES. I cannot dispute or deny any accusation. However, I can say that I have changed my ways. I am not just another person off the street. I am her husband. I take care of our family and I have NEVER stopped doing that. This OMAR track is that DEAL (tangent). Instead of affording the opportunity to show and prove, I am treated like a criminal. I gave another chance, yet I cannot be afforded the same opportunity, so I ask, what is fair about this? I guess I don't get the same chances because I am perfect (sarcasm). I feel like this it is all or nothing. I am afflicted with a physical illness as well as a psychological illness. I am double dipping, not to my enjoyment though.
My feeling is that I can beat this physical illness (cerebral ataxia) I can do this via stem cell therapy which is available in China but that is another story for another blog entry. I have begun eating a much healthier diet and eliminating the body fat so that my body will be prime for any therapy that might be introduced in the mean time. I estimate about 3 weeks for me to be back to where I should be.
Back to the ailment, I feel alone because I cannot do the things that I used to do. Sometimes I have perfect balance and most times I do not. My kids wanted to laugh at first, but now they realize daddy is going through something.
Fact of the matter is....I need help.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
7 May 2010
Well I had the orientation class today. This was an interesting experience, I mean to be in a room with approximately 15 -17 other people who are going through the same issues, it was a trip. So here I am at 2:20 a.m. wondering, "what now?" I am kind of at an impasse. Let's take a quick inventory, my wife doesn't want to be with me for two main reasons, because of my old philandering ways and because I don't like to go out and her primary love language is "quality time." That almost seems to be ridiculous. She feels that we are incompatible. Well I am tired of fighting, it seems as though she was the only trying and now I am the only one who wants it. Funny how this works. I guess we just kept "pissing in the pool."
Mothers day is coming up, and I just do not want to deal with it. I mean it really isn't any problem with it, I just want to go away for the weekend. However, I have committed to dinner, so we shall see if I have another anxiety attack, I hate this. If I had not been so patriotic and felt I was doing my duty, I don't think I would be in this situation.
I often imagine what the world would be like without my military experience. I mean, did my being there, really make some sort of difference? I don't think so. So after rationalizing this out (which I try to do, sometimes unsuccessfully I might add) I guess it doesn't matter, what's done is done. Do I care? yes. What can I do though? Not much it seems. So I just try to grin and bear it. It seems like I am alone. My wife told me she still wants to do for me and take care of me because of the onset of the symptoms (spinal ataxia) I feel that my choices are few, but the bottom line is: if the U.S. does not approve stem cell therapy soon, I am going to have to go to China. This is going to cost a whole lot of money. I don't care though, whatever it takes. I want to be active and able to do for myself.
I think back on how I used to be. Active and athletic, it felt good to be on the baseball field with the boys, playing and running around and just having fun. I guess I should start training again. I have changed my diet in hopes that it will assist in my quest to beat this illness. I guess what I should find out is if and what food and or vitamin assists in cerebellum connectivity.
So let's review: my wife no longer wants to be with me, and if she had steady employment, she would have been left. (2) PTSD has me up every night typing into a blog attempting to make sense of life in and of itself (3) I am undergoing some serious changes in the way I live as to combat genetics. Seems like I am fighting an uphill battle. Cool, I am up for it (pun intended).
Mothers day is coming up, and I just do not want to deal with it. I mean it really isn't any problem with it, I just want to go away for the weekend. However, I have committed to dinner, so we shall see if I have another anxiety attack, I hate this. If I had not been so patriotic and felt I was doing my duty, I don't think I would be in this situation.
I often imagine what the world would be like without my military experience. I mean, did my being there, really make some sort of difference? I don't think so. So after rationalizing this out (which I try to do, sometimes unsuccessfully I might add) I guess it doesn't matter, what's done is done. Do I care? yes. What can I do though? Not much it seems. So I just try to grin and bear it. It seems like I am alone. My wife told me she still wants to do for me and take care of me because of the onset of the symptoms (spinal ataxia) I feel that my choices are few, but the bottom line is: if the U.S. does not approve stem cell therapy soon, I am going to have to go to China. This is going to cost a whole lot of money. I don't care though, whatever it takes. I want to be active and able to do for myself.
I think back on how I used to be. Active and athletic, it felt good to be on the baseball field with the boys, playing and running around and just having fun. I guess I should start training again. I have changed my diet in hopes that it will assist in my quest to beat this illness. I guess what I should find out is if and what food and or vitamin assists in cerebellum connectivity.
So let's review: my wife no longer wants to be with me, and if she had steady employment, she would have been left. (2) PTSD has me up every night typing into a blog attempting to make sense of life in and of itself (3) I am undergoing some serious changes in the way I live as to combat genetics. Seems like I am fighting an uphill battle. Cool, I am up for it (pun intended).
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